i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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