Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
