you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
