Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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