halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
