So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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