I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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