those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
