oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
