I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
