I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
