i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
