Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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