I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Randomize
