i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
