Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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