Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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