i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize
