I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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