Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
