My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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