tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
