margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
