its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
