Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
