Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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