Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
