Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
