everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
