u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
