I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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