Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
it's like iHOP with fire
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
