please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
