I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
