So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
