How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
