If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
