overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
