I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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