then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im holly from the hills drunk
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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