There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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