so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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