I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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