worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
