I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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