fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
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get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
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Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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