apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
