im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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