I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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