Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
