this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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