So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
