Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
