Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
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I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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