You're my little dorito
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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