She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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