Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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