if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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