you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
