i jhust puked up my retainher.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
